You know what? I’m tired about teaching agile and helping teams in engineering practices, learning organization culture creation, lean start-up development mode, and other “pretty agile practices”. Those are everywhere now. Something is needed to change the market!
So… time to rock the market and get true advantage!
I’m preparing a new set of courses that will rock the development area, hopefully all around the world. I want to travel for a while. And create some new terms too!! You know you can’t get attention using same old terms, so I will provide terms that will confuse the market.
You know what happens after that? Full classes!
SSDC (Scramble Software Developer Certification) classes will give you and your team a set of excuses to help on any project failure. But that’s not enough. I want to provide a set of practices that will rock your project! Really about turning it to a raw rock… :-)
Anyway… let’s continue!
Here we go.
Stay with me! Check the SSDC practices! And sign-up!
1) Coding Marathon. That’s the practice to completely take care of YOUR knowledge. Why would someone want to share knowledge and help others to increase technical skills? Why pairing? You don’t want to waste money right!? In Coding Marathon you code alone, just you and a piece of code equivalent to a 42Km distance.
2) Oh behave Code. No more clean code! Yeah! You are free to release and unleash those techniques you really want to use. Why keep clean variables, methods and readability, when you can use Oh Behave Code to give the creeps to every developer working close to you. Make people fear you. And your code.
3) Scramble Driven Development. Any code you touch, you scramble. Obfuscation techniques to help you to really get ownership of a piece of code, or even a full project. Keep your job safe with this technique!
4) Infinite Integration. Here’s how you can create those automated tests your team keep asking you to create with a great technique to avoid you fixing the build when it breaks. Create tests to increase build time to at least 10 hours. That’s a great time to achieve. When the build breaks, you will be sleeping at home, and the job to fix the build will be with a team in another continent! It’s a really time saver!
5) 12 hour steak technique! Forget healthy tomatoes! Use the technique to help you to concentrate on your solitaire games and your twitter reading. And of course, use the technique to get you enough time to work, but with no pressure! If you feel pressure, just call another steak! In The social network movie they say developers are wired (like in “He’s wired in“). In this technique people say “He’s cooking“.
5) Not in my job description! We will teach how can you use labor law to your benefit! Do you have multifunctional teams? Multidisciplinary teams? Self organizing teams? That’s your practice! We will teach you to use labor laws in the right way and avoid you as a developer to ever test a piece of code. Leave all the job to those paid to test software! Forget about business analysis, performance tests, design processes. Just do your code. Special techniques to the Brazilian market! :-)
6) Last man standing pace. Specially for those who want to become managers. Make your team work motivated… NOT! Create competitions to see who is able to work more in a team. It’s not about competition, it’s about creating a division on wanna be developers and brave developers. If a developer can’t work 48 hours in a row, that’s NOT a brave developer. And remember, after 16 hours coding, they will be able to maximize results of other SSDC practices! As a manager, make promises you will never turn into reality. If your team ask about, just tell them to fill those work assignment forms you never read, and tell they should really think about working a little bit more, cause the company management team is not seeing any work being done. Leave the room. Don’t say anything else, but don’t forget to look back and “nod your head” with a big no, together with a “tsch tsch tsch“. Make fear your friend. And your team’s enemy.
7) DPLDW – Dilbert-like Punch Line Driven Work. This is the greatest practice available in the course. You can become Wally or the Pointy-haired Boss (PHB). As a developer, learn how to avoid someone asking about your job status. Escape and be free. Always. Confuse the person asking you, make them get your tasks assigned to them. As a manager, learn how to manage without Managing. Guarantee yourself a great life, where you will never need to make difficult decisions again, and will never need to help your team. Just keep doing the minimal and get the premium. That promotion you want is much closer now!
And that’s it. I’m thinking about something like 666 hours of training to really get developers and managers to understand the attitude, strategy and culture behind SSDC.
Well, if you are interested in this course, please let me know. First class starts today, April 1st of 2011! :-D